Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
