I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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