I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
