We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
