gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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