Already got asked if we're dating
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
