I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I need moral support for this bender
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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