He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
