I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
