I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
