fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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