Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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