I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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