just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Randomize
