I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
