He asked to "fluff my boner.."
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
