oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
