Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm too high and old for this...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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