I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
