We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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