I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize