so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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