The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
