kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
