I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
