Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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