So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
