Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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