smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
