I think my fart just growled at me.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
