But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
