remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
