even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
