Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
