Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
