I met the friendliest cop last night
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
