don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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