I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize