This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
