I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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