I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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