Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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