who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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