I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
