Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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