Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
