when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I don't deserve a penis
Liz is crying about burritos again.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
