Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
