i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize