I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
