are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
He uses pillows to masturbate.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize