he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You have to summon your inner elephant
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
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