Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize