Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
