Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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