My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
