Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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