i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize