I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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