Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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